mess.

I’ve been on a constant high these past few days. Enjoying life, living my life without any regrets. I honestly enjoyed every second of it until the devil on my shoulder took over me. Everything worked out as planned and even if it didn’t exactly work out as I imagined to, the outcome was always as I expected it to be. It’s just the way to reach my goal was a different one than I thought it would be. Which in fact is not a bad thing.

However there was one event that made the rollercoaster drop immensely. I’ve decided to break free from my old habits and try out something new. I want to finally chase my dreams and travel. This is what I am going to do. It is fucking scary stepping into the unknown not knowing what comes next, but at the same time it is exciting as heck. I live for adventures. I truly do. Uncertainty attracts my attention despite it being a bit scary. I was not placed on earth to make the same mistakes over and over again. Neither was I put here to live a life others want me to. I am here to follow my goals and learn as much as possible.

I may have fucked up these past few days, drowning in my own misery but I don’t regret it per se. As a perfectionist, sure, I want to have control over every bit of my life but where is the fun in having everything planned out? I need to have a bit of room to be surprised by unexpected events. I’m not saying to stop planning out your life or having a vision, dreams and goals. No. You sure need something to work towards for but you have to make some room for surprises.

 

Advertisements

want u back

I thought one year would be enough to erase you from my memories. Spring is usually the time to start something new. Go outside, be happy. I can’t seem to enjoy any of these things lately. All I think about is you. The time we’ve spent. The memories we’ve made. The nights we’ve shared. The ups and the downs.

I want it back.
All of it.
Every single moment.

I still go to the places where we used to hang out and picture ourselves there. It hurts. You’ve changed me for the better. Showed me the world and it’s treasures. Helped me up when I stumbled over my own feet. You’ve always been there. Not always physically but always mentally.

You were the center of my universe.
Always have been, always will be.

I tried so hard to not let my demons take over me. You sensed it when I struggled. Each and every time. When I couldn’t hold it back any longer, you were there to tell me it’s okay. You didn’t run away. You stayed. Thats how I knew I could trust you. I’ve decided to let all of my guards down. Despite the constant fear of judgement. And that is the best gift someone has ever given me. Thank you.

Thank you for crossing my path.
Thank you for showing me who I really am.
Thank you for shaping me into the person I am today.
Thank you for literally anything you have ever done.

I loved you with all my heart.
I know you knew.

But now it’s time to move on.

 

doubt.

A few days ago I have introduced you to my dear friend „Hesitation“ which is best friends with none other than „Doubt“.

Let’s dive right into my soul. Shall we?
Doubt walks hand in hand with Hesitation. At least in my little world. Doubt is usually the the reason I hesitate before taking action. I not only doubt wether the outcome is worth putting in all the effort, no I even doubt my own existence from time to time. I literally doubt everything – and when I say everything I mean EVERYTHING.

It is not easy living in a fast-moving world. As soon as you have settled down and finally feel content in all aspects of your life, you are forced to move forward and catch up on everything that you have „missed“ due to taking one step at a time. In a society where everyone blindly moves forward, there is no time for emotions or deep conversations left anymore. The kind of communication that is now domineering is small talk. Sad, right? I never thought I will be experiencing this horrible era where everything is better left unsaid and the only form of communication taking place is online in the depths of the WWW.

This is exactly why I lately I found myself doubting human existence. Are there even humans left? For me most of the people living on this planet are puppets on social medias string. I see how most of my close friends turn into walking corpses in front of my eyes. There is nothing left inside of them that makes them happy for longer than a day. If that is not heartbreaking for you to see, you are probably one of those walking corpses.

 

hesitate.

Hesitate“ – that word sums up my life pretty much. I always hesitate before taking action. I remember a few times where I actually started doing the exact thing that was going on in my head. I remember feeling great and alive. You may ask, why I won’t keep realizing my ideas, right? Well for that, let me take you on a little journey.

I am a really really .. I mean REALLY thoughtful person. I overthink every little detail and start weighing opinions in my head. I start thinking about the outcome and if I could deal with whatever my decision is going to bring with it. Based on that I will take action. I know, it’s probably not the best way to act upon your imaginations, dreams etc. I also know I should trust my intuition more and just go for it, but that’s the part. The „just-go-for-it“ part won’t work for me. I will keep thinking about what the consequences of my decision could be. I literally think about it every free second of my life. Doesn’t matter if I am having a bath reading my favorite book on how to be a badass and living in „the zone“ (which means living in the here and now) or lying in bed trying to fall asleep.

As soon as it gets dark outside the demons free themselves from their cages and start wandering around in the depths of my brain. There is no way I can stop them. That is basically how I roll. Everything in my life revolves around thinking.

I try to work against my demons by reading my favorite book over and over and over again. It helps me stay motivated for a short period of time but I’m getting there. The first time I have read it, my motivation to be more spontaneous lasted only for about a few days. Now after reading it for the 100th time, it feels, the motivation lasts for weeks even months now. I am getting closer and closer to my goal. Even though there are a few demons still left in my brain, I do have them under control most of the time.

 

Wie viele Chancen hat jemand verdient?

Wieviele Chancen hat ein Mensch verdient? Eine? Zwei, Drei? Sagt es mir. Ich gebe so vielen Menschen zu viele Chancen, einfach weil ich immer nur das Positive in ihnen sehe. Jedes Mal sage ich mir, „Komm wie oft willst du denn noch verletzt werden?“ – und wie oft gebe ich nach und gebe der Person trotzdem noch eine Chance? Ich bringe es einfach überhaupt nicht übers Herz jemanden aus meinem Leben zu streichen. Alleine „aus dem Leben streichen“ klingt so hart. Genau so aber auch „einfach gehen zu lassen“. Gibt es denn nicht eine etwas sanftere Art, das zu formulieren um es mir zu zu erleichtern?

Es gibt doch einen Grund wieso diese Person es in mein Leben geschafft hat und einen Teil des Weges mit mir gegangen ist. So viele Erinnerungen hängen an einer Person. Ich will diese Erinnerungen behalten. Dadurch, dass ich das Negative in einem Menschen ignoriere, behindere ich mich selbst daran, diese Person zu vergessen. Es ist nicht so einfach wie ich mir selbst immer einrede. Am Schwersten ist es jemanden gehen zu lassen, dem man über die Jahre hinweg einfach alles anvertraut hat. Ich habe dieser Person alles erzählt und mich in jeder Situation verstanden gefühlt, deshalb ist diese Person auch die Einzige, die alles über mich weiß. Es ist quasi so als würde mein Tagebuch vor dir weglaufen. Ein komischer Gedanke. Ein Gedanke, der mich dauerhaft quält. Ich will die Person die mich so gut versteht einfach nicht gehen lassen.

 

Hallo Unterbewusstsein, was ist los mit dir?

Heute geht’s mir richtig scheiße. Plötzlich überkam mich so eine Traurigkeit. Aus dem Nichts. Bäm. Sie war auf einmal da. Wieso? Ich weiß es nicht. Vielleicht ist es wieder nur eine Phase. Schieben wir das emotionale Chaos einfach mal auf den Mond.

Ein möglicher Grund könnte aber auch das Packen für eine kleine Reise sein. Letztens als ich innerhalb von Österreich gereist bin, hatte ich eine unglaublich gute Zeit. Und jetzt steht wieder eine kleine Reise an. Emotional zerreißt es mich gerade. So viele Gedanken schweben in meinem Kopf. So viele unbeantwortete Fragen. Klar, ich könnte mich auf den Weg machen um meine Antworten zu finden. Will ich es? Ja. Trau ich mich es? Nein. Wäre ich erleichtert, wüsste ich den Grund wieso alles so ist, wie es jetzt ist? Vielleicht. Könnte ich mit den Konsequenzen leben die dadurch entstehen? Höchstwahrscheinlich nicht. Deshalb schweige ich vor mich hin und hoffe, dass ein Wunder geschieht und sich alles klärt. Einstweilen hüpfe ich von einer Party zur Nächsten und lege meine ganze Hoffnung in den Abend, dass am nächsten Morgen alles gut sein wird. Verdrängen heißt noch lange nicht vergessen. Höchstens temporär.

Ich setzte alles daran, einfach hinzunehmen wie die Situation gerade ist. Morgen wache ich bestimmt wieder auf, lese diesen Text hier und lache über den Unsinn der mich heute noch so belastet hat.

imissyou

I miss you.
I said it.
I really fucking miss you.

I miss how you used to bury your face in my neck. The way your warm breath caused my skin to be covered in goosebumps.

I miss how you used to run your fingers up and down my shoulder  when I couldn’t sleep. The way you played with my hair half asleep.

I miss how you looked down on me when you realized I was about to fall asleep. The way you smiled when I woke up again.

I miss how you used to hold me tightly in my sleep. The way you held my hand and didn’t let go until we both woke up.

I miss how you used to wake me up leaving kisses all over my back and neck. The way I felt when your fingers touched my skin.

I miss you.
I really fucking miss you.