hesitate.

Hesitate“ – that word sums up my life pretty much. I always hesitate before taking action. I remember a few times where I actually started doing the exact thing that was going on in my head. I remember feeling great and alive. You may ask, why I won’t keep realizing my ideas, right? Well for that, let me take you on a little journey.

I am a really really .. I mean REALLY thoughtful person. I overthink every little detail and start weighing opinions in my head. I start thinking about the outcome and if I could deal with whatever my decision is going to bring with it. Based on that I will take action. I know, it’s probably not the best way to act upon your imaginations, dreams etc. I also know I should trust my intuition more and just go for it, but that’s the part. The „just-go-for-it“ part won’t work for me. I will keep thinking about what the consequences of my decision could be. I literally think about it every free second of my life. Doesn’t matter if I am having a bath reading my favorite book on how to be a badass and living in „the zone“ (which means living in the here and now) or lying in bed trying to fall asleep.

As soon as it gets dark outside the demons free themselves from their cages and start wandering around in the depths of my brain. There is no way I can stop them. That is basically how I roll. Everything in my life revolves around thinking.

I try to work against my demons by reading my favorite book over and over and over again. It helps me stay motivated for a short period of time but I’m getting there. The first time I have read it, my motivation to be more spontaneous lasted only for about a few days. Now after reading it for the 100th time, it feels, the motivation lasts for weeks even months now. I am getting closer and closer to my goal. Even though there are a few demons still left in my brain, I do have them under control most of the time.

 

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Wie viele Chancen hat jemand verdient?

Wieviele Chancen hat ein Mensch verdient? Eine? Zwei, Drei? Sagt es mir. Ich gebe so vielen Menschen zu viele Chancen, einfach weil ich immer nur das Positive in ihnen sehe. Jedes Mal sage ich mir, „Komm wie oft willst du denn noch verletzt werden?“ – und wie oft gebe ich nach und gebe der Person trotzdem noch eine Chance? Ich bringe es einfach überhaupt nicht übers Herz jemanden aus meinem Leben zu streichen. Alleine „aus dem Leben streichen“ klingt so hart. Genau so aber auch „einfach gehen zu lassen“. Gibt es denn nicht eine etwas sanftere Art, das zu formulieren um es mir zu zu erleichtern?

Es gibt doch einen Grund wieso diese Person es in mein Leben geschafft hat und einen Teil des Weges mit mir gegangen ist. So viele Erinnerungen hängen an einer Person. Ich will diese Erinnerungen behalten. Dadurch, dass ich das Negative in einem Menschen ignoriere, behindere ich mich selbst daran, diese Person zu vergessen. Es ist nicht so einfach wie ich mir selbst immer einrede. Am Schwersten ist es jemanden gehen zu lassen, dem man über die Jahre hinweg einfach alles anvertraut hat. Ich habe dieser Person alles erzählt und mich in jeder Situation verstanden gefühlt, deshalb ist diese Person auch die Einzige, die alles über mich weiß. Es ist quasi so als würde mein Tagebuch vor dir weglaufen. Ein komischer Gedanke. Ein Gedanke, der mich dauerhaft quält. Ich will die Person die mich so gut versteht einfach nicht gehen lassen.

 

Consumed by others.

Living on my own and being my own judge has made me realize many more things I couldn’t even think of before. I realized once you are on your own, you invest more time into decision taking. I came to the conclusion that it’s okay to ask others for their opinion but they should never influence your decision. This was my major problem in the past. I used to ask friends for their opinion and depending on which one sounded more realistic – I decided to take action based on one of the opinions my friends shared with me. It is one of the worst things to do, not trusting yourself enough and being depended on someone else. I thought I was useless and my opinion doesn’t have any value at all because I thought I have not collected enough experience in a certain field/area or haven’t been there or done that in order to be able to know what’s right or wrong. I’ve been experiencing a lot of self-hate due to not trusting my instincts. Opinions of others matter to me don’t get me wrong it’s just you are the only one who knows what’s the right thing to do in a situation. You know if you can handle the consequences your decision may bring with it. As long as you are fine with the consequences go for it. You always have to weigh what’s more important to you.

My mistake was that I ignored my own feelings and thought someone else would know how I function and be able to make a  decision for me. I used to live for others way too long. I thought that everything my very closed ones, and with that I don’t necessarily mean my family, know what’s right for me. It was a lie. No one ever gets to experience the way you feel in certain situations even though you may describe it to them in the best way possible. You are the only one who can control your feelings. Make the best out it. You truly know what’s best for you. Friends and other peoples opinions may make you look at things differently. They make you start thinking about something you would never have thought of before. This is a very great opportunity and should get you thinking. It doesn’t necessarily mean you have to agree with what they say. They just opened your eyes and made you see things from a different angle.

What I’m trying to say with all of this is, that I pretended to be someone else for too long. I used to live for others. I believed almost everything my closest friends told me (not second-guessing things) because I really looked up to them. They seemed to have experienced certain things in more depth than me. This was the reason why I blindly trusted every word they said. I did everything they wanted me to do. I always thought you have to reach a certain age in life to know how to handle unforeseen situations like a master. It’s a lie. You mature with experience not age. I wish someone told me that earlier in life.

Knowing that it is okay to say “No” when you really don’t feel like doing or trying out things is perfectly fine. It took me a while to learn how to say “No” and stick to it. You don’t have to feel bad neither do you have to apologize for your feelings that made you choose to go this way. NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR YOU FEELINGS. N E V E R.