I thought one year would be enough to erase you from my memories. Spring is usually the time to start something new. Go outside, be happy. I can’t seem to enjoy any of these things lately. All I think about is you. The time we’ve spent. The memories we’ve made. The nights we’ve shared. The ups and the downs.
I want it back.
All of it.
Every single moment.
I still go to the places where we used to hang out and picture ourselves there. It hurts. You’ve changed me for the better. Showed me the world and it’s treasures. Helped me up when I stumbled over my own feet. You’ve always been there. Not always physically but always mentally.
You were the center of my universe.
Always have been, always will be.
I tried so hard to not let my demons take over me. You sensed it when I struggled. Each and every time. When I couldn’t hold it back any longer, you were there to tell me it’s okay. You didn’t run away. You stayed. Thats how I knew I could trust you. I’ve decided to let all of my guards down. Despite the constant fear of judgement. And that is the best gift someone has ever given me. Thank you.
Thank you for crossing my path.
Thank you for showing me who I really am.
Thank you for shaping me into the person I am today.
Thank you for literally anything you have ever done.
I loved you with all my heart.
I know you knew.
But now it’s time to move on.
A few days ago I have introduced you to my dear friend „Hesitation“ which is best friends with none other than „Doubt“.
Let’s dive right into my soul. Shall we?
Doubt walks hand in hand with Hesitation. At least in my little world. Doubt is usually the the reason I hesitate before taking action. I not only doubt wether the outcome is worth putting in all the effort, no I even doubt my own existence from time to time. I literally doubt everything – and when I say everything I mean EVERYTHING.
It is not easy living in a fast-moving world. As soon as you have settled down and finally feel content in all aspects of your life, you are forced to move forward and catch up on everything that you have „missed“ due to taking one step at a time. In a society where everyone blindly moves forward, there is no time for emotions or deep conversations left anymore. The kind of communication that is now domineering is small talk. Sad, right? I never thought I will be experiencing this horrible era where everything is better left unsaid and the only form of communication taking place is online in the depths of the WWW.
This is exactly why I lately I found myself doubting human existence. Are there even humans left? For me most of the people living on this planet are puppets on social medias string. I see how most of my close friends turn into walking corpses in front of my eyes. There is nothing left inside of them that makes them happy for longer than a day. If that is not heartbreaking for you to see, you are probably one of those walking corpses.
Hesitate“ – that word sums up my life pretty much. I always hesitate before taking action. I remember a few times where I actually started doing the exact thing that was going on in my head. I remember feeling great and alive. You may ask, why I won’t keep realizing my ideas, right? Well for that, let me take you on a little journey.
I am a really really .. I mean REALLY thoughtful person. I overthink every little detail and start weighing opinions in my head. I start thinking about the outcome and if I could deal with whatever my decision is going to bring with it. Based on that I will take action. I know, it’s probably not the best way to act upon your imaginations, dreams etc. I also know I should trust my intuition more and just go for it, but that’s the part. The „just-go-for-it“ part won’t work for me. I will keep thinking about what the consequences of my decision could be. I literally think about it every free second of my life. Doesn’t matter if I am having a bath reading my favorite book on how to be a badass and living in „the zone“ (which means living in the here and now) or lying in bed trying to fall asleep.
As soon as it gets dark outside the demons free themselves from their cages and start wandering around in the depths of my brain. There is no way I can stop them. That is basically how I roll. Everything in my life revolves around thinking.
I try to work against my demons by reading my favorite book over and over and over again. It helps me stay motivated for a short period of time but I’m getting there. The first time I have read it, my motivation to be more spontaneous lasted only for about a few days. Now after reading it for the 100th time, it feels, the motivation lasts for weeks even months now. I am getting closer and closer to my goal. Even though there are a few demons still left in my brain, I do have them under control most of the time.
Heute geht’s mir richtig scheiße. Plötzlich überkam mich so eine Traurigkeit. Aus dem Nichts. Bäm. Sie war auf einmal da. Wieso? Ich weiß es nicht. Vielleicht ist es wieder nur eine Phase. Schieben wir das emotionale Chaos einfach mal auf den Mond.
Ein möglicher Grund könnte aber auch das Packen für eine kleine Reise sein. Letztens als ich innerhalb von Österreich gereist bin, hatte ich eine unglaublich gute Zeit. Und jetzt steht wieder eine kleine Reise an. Emotional zerreißt es mich gerade. So viele Gedanken schweben in meinem Kopf. So viele unbeantwortete Fragen. Klar, ich könnte mich auf den Weg machen um meine Antworten zu finden. Will ich es? Ja. Trau ich mich es? Nein. Wäre ich erleichtert, wüsste ich den Grund wieso alles so ist, wie es jetzt ist? Vielleicht. Könnte ich mit den Konsequenzen leben die dadurch entstehen? Höchstwahrscheinlich nicht. Deshalb schweige ich vor mich hin und hoffe, dass ein Wunder geschieht und sich alles klärt. Einstweilen hüpfe ich von einer Party zur Nächsten und lege meine ganze Hoffnung in den Abend, dass am nächsten Morgen alles gut sein wird. Verdrängen heißt noch lange nicht vergessen. Höchstens temporär.
Ich setzte alles daran, einfach hinzunehmen wie die Situation gerade ist. Morgen wache ich bestimmt wieder auf, lese diesen Text hier und lache über den Unsinn der mich heute noch so belastet hat.
I miss you.
I said it.
I really fucking miss you.
I miss how you used to bury your face in my neck. The way your warm breath caused my skin to be covered in goosebumps.
I miss how you used to run your fingers up and down my shoulder when I couldn’t sleep. The way you played with my hair half asleep.
I miss how you looked down on me when you realized I was about to fall asleep. The way you smiled when I woke up again.
I miss how you used to hold me tightly in my sleep. The way you held my hand and didn’t let go until we both woke up.
I miss how you used to wake me up leaving kisses all over my back and neck. The way I felt when your fingers touched my skin.
I miss you.
I really fucking miss you.
Living on my own and being my own judge has made me realize many more things I couldn’t even think of before. I realized once you are on your own, you invest more time into decision taking. I came to the conclusion that it’s okay to ask others for their opinion but they should never influence your decision. This was my major problem in the past. I used to ask friends for their opinion and depending on which one sounded more realistic – I decided to take action based on one of the opinions my friends shared with me. It is one of the worst things to do, not trusting yourself enough and being depended on someone else. I thought I was useless and my opinion doesn’t have any value at all because I thought I have not collected enough experience in a certain field/area or haven’t been there or done that in order to be able to know what’s right or wrong. I’ve been experiencing a lot of self-hate due to not trusting my instincts. Opinions of others matter to me don’t get me wrong it’s just you are the only one who knows what’s the right thing to do in a situation. You know if you can handle the consequences your decision may bring with it. As long as you are fine with the consequences go for it. You always have to weigh what’s more important to you.
My mistake was that I ignored my own feelings and thought someone else would know how I function and be able to make a decision for me. I used to live for others way too long. I thought that everything my very closed ones, and with that I don’t necessarily mean my family, know what’s right for me. It was a lie. No one ever gets to experience the way you feel in certain situations even though you may describe it to them in the best way possible. You are the only one who can control your feelings. Make the best out it. You truly know what’s best for you. Friends and other peoples opinions may make you look at things differently. They make you start thinking about something you would never have thought of before. This is a very great opportunity and should get you thinking. It doesn’t necessarily mean you have to agree with what they say. They just opened your eyes and made you see things from a different angle.
What I’m trying to say with all of this is, that I pretended to be someone else for too long. I used to live for others. I believed almost everything my closest friends told me (not second-guessing things) because I really looked up to them. They seemed to have experienced certain things in more depth than me. This was the reason why I blindly trusted every word they said. I did everything they wanted me to do. I always thought you have to reach a certain age in life to know how to handle unforeseen situations like a master. It’s a lie. You mature with experience not age. I wish someone told me that earlier in life.
Knowing that it is okay to say “No” when you really don’t feel like doing or trying out things is perfectly fine. It took me a while to learn how to say “No” and stick to it. You don’t have to feel bad neither do you have to apologize for your feelings that made you choose to go this way. NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR YOU FEELINGS. N E V E R.