want u back.

I thought one year would be enough to erase you from my memories. Spring is usually the time to start something new. Go outside, be happy. I can’t seem to enjoy any of these things lately. All I think about is you. The time we’ve spent. The memories we’ve made. The nights we’ve shared. The ups and the downs.

I want it back.
All of it.
Every single moment.

I still go to the places where we used to hang out and picture ourselves there. It hurts. You’ve changed me for the better. Showed me the world and it’s treasures. Helped me up when I stumbled over my own feet. You’ve always been there. Not always physically but always mentally.

You were the center of my universe.
Always have been, always will be.

I tried so hard to not let my demons take over me. You sensed when I struggled. Each and every time. When I couldn’t hold it back any longer, you were there to tell me everything will be okay. You didn’t run away. You stayed. Thats how I knew I could trust you. I’ve decided to let all of my guards down, despite the constant fear of judgement. And that is the best gift someone has ever given me.
Thank you.

Thank you for crossing my path at the right time.
Thank you for showing me who I really am.
Thank you for shaping me into the person I am today.
Thank you for literally anything you have ever done for me.

doubt.

Let’s dive right into my soul. Shall we?
Doubt walks hand in hand with Hesitation. At least in my little world. Doubt is usually the the reason I hesitate before taking action. I not only doubt wether the outcome is worth putting in all the effort, no I even doubt my own existence from time to time. I literally doubt everything – and when I say everything I mean EVERYTHING.

It is not easy living in a fast-moving world. As soon as you have settled down and finally feel content in all aspects of your life, you are forced to move forward and catch up on everything that you have „missed“ due to taking one step at a time. In a society where everyone blindly moves forward, there is no time for emotions or deep conversations left anymore. The kind of communication that is now domineering is small talk. Sad, right? I never thought I will be experiencing this horrible era where everything is better left unsaid and the only form of communication taking place is online in the depths of the WWW.

Unsinn.

Emotional zerreißt es mich gerade. So viele Gedanken schweben in meinem Kopf herum. So viele unbeantwortete Fragen. Klar, ich könnte mich auf den Weg machen um meine Antworten zu finden. Will ich es? Ja. Trau ich mich es? Nein. Wäre ich erleichtert, wüsste ich den Grund wieso alles so ist, wie es jetzt ist? Vielleicht. Könnte ich mit den Konsequenzen leben die dadurch entstehen? Höchstwahrscheinlich nicht. Deshalb schweige ich vor mich hin und hoffe, dass ein Wunder geschieht und sich alles von selbst klärt. Einstweilen hüpfe ich von einer Party zur Nächsten und lege meine ganze Hoffnung in den Abend, dass am nächsten Morgen alles gut sein wird.

Ich setzte alles daran, einfach hinzunehmen wie die Situation gerade ist. Morgen wache ich bestimmt wieder auf, lese diesen Text hier und lache über den Unsinn der mich heute noch so belastet hat.