Consumed by others.

Lately I’ve been asking myself the same question over and over again.

Now, after thinking about this for almost four months now I finally came to a very realistic sounding solution to my problem. I’ve been struggling to find out who I really am. Starting with January of this year. I promised myself to find out which path I want to go in my life. To be honest I’m getting there. It’s still a bit of work to do but I know where I’m heading. It is the most beautiful feeling, knowing you are your own judge. If you think what you are doing is right, it most likely is. However if you feel bad about something – most of the time your instinct doesn’t lie. Trust your instincts instead. (Also one of my top three goals for this year.)

Living on my own and being my own judge has made me realize many more things I couldn’t even think of before. I realized once you are on your own, you invest more time into decision taking. I came to the conclusion that it’s okay to ask others for their opinion but they should never influence your decision. This was my major problem in the past. I used to ask friends for their opinion and depending on which one sounded more realistic – I decided to take action based on one of the opinions my friends shared with me. It is one of the worst things to do, not trusting yourself enough and being depended on someone else. I thought I was useless and my opinion doesn’t have any value at all because I thought I have not collected enough experience in a certain field/area or haven’t been there or done that in order to be able to know what’s right or wrong. I’ve been experiencing a lot of self-hate due to not trusting my instincts. Opinions of others matter to me don’t get me wrong it’s just you are the only one who knows what’s the right thing to do in a situation. You know if you can handle the consequences your decision may bring with it. As long as you are fine with the consequences go for it. You always have to weigh what’s more important to you.

My mistake was that I ignored my own feelings and thought someone else would know how I function and be able to make a  decision for me. I used to live for others way too long. I thought that everything my very closed ones, and with that I don’t necessarily mean my family, know what’s right for me. It was a lie. No one ever gets to experience the way you feel in certain situations even though you may describe it to them in the best way possible. You are the only one who can control your feelings. Make the best out it. You truly know what’s best for you. Friends and other peoples opinions may make you look at things differently. They make you start thinking about something you would never have thought of before. This is a very great opportunity and should get you thinking. It don’t necessarily mean you have to agree with what they say. They just opened your eyes and made you see things from a different angle.

What I’m trying to say with all of this is, that I pretended to be someone else for too long. I used to live for others. I believed almost everything my closest friends told me (not second-guessing things) because I really looked up to them. They seemed to have experienced certain things in more depth than me. This was the reason why I blindly trusted every word they said. I did everything they wanted me to do. I wanted to be a part of them. I wanted to be accepted. The reason why I did and behaved the way they wanted me to is because I had low self-esteem and didn’t trust myself enough. I always thought you have to reach a certain age in life to know how to handle unforeseen situations like a master. It’s a lie. You mature with experience not age. I wish someone told me that earlier in life.

Knowing that it is okay to say „No“ when you really don’t feel like doing or trying out things is perfectly fine. It took me a while to learn how to say „No“ and stick to it. You don’t have to feel bad neither do you have to apologize for your feelings that made you choose to go this way. NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR YOU FEELINGS. N E V E R.

 

#All You Are Is History

Let’s start with a song that helped me go through a certain part of my life.

All you are is history by State Champs describes the situation I’ve been in for like 90%. It is insane how one band can write songs you can relate to so much.
Starting with:

„I’m a realist and an optimist but I swear to you, I’m not getting over this“ 

I wouldn’t particularly say that I am an optimist in all situations of my life, but to a certain extend I am even though I hardly show it. I tried to hold on for longer than I should have and tried to fix everything that was broken already. Even though deep down inside of me I knew I lost the war, I looked past it and ignored the fact I couldn’t stop the ship from sinking. It was hard for me to accept the truth. The realist in me knew it was over and that there was nothing left to fix anymore but the optimist ignored what the realist had to say and fought even harder than before to bring back the time where everything was still fine. You can also refer to the realist as my heart and the optimist as my brain. There is always a constant battle between these two. It is a never-ending war; and before I have even decided whether to listen to my heart or head – the decision was made by the other person. So I guess it’s safe to say I am a mess between my heart and head.

„Walking tall in a small town. Full of yourself when you’re feeling down“

To be fair this part of the song doesn’t sound too positive, but for me it has quite a different meaning than it originally was supposed to have I guess. It reminds me of when I pretended to be all self-confident when in fact I was dying on the inside. I didn’t want this one specific person to know that I’m having a hard time accepting their decision. It was killing me on the inside but I wouldn’t let anyone know. I thought faking my own happiness will eventually get me there but I successfully failed. In fact it only got me into more trouble. My heart was still holding onto this thing we had but my head told me to let go. I stayed awake every night until sunrise because I was too afraid to fall asleep and dream of you.

„I’ve had enough of all the talk on how you’re saving me. Talk like you’re self-assured but all you are is history“

This line throws me back to my favourite memory of us. Midnight conversations with you were the most beautiful thing until I realized all you said were just empty promises. I waited for the time you would take action based on your words. It never happened. Everything you said that one night let me think you know what you were talking about. You seemed to be a man of his word. Now all that is left are empty promises, wasted conversations and restless nights. After all of this we have been through all you did was walk away silently. So I have only one more question left for you – How am I supposed to get over this?

„I can’t pretend anymore. You don’t wanna leave you said that before“

The hardest part about accepting your decision is that I saw you’re eyes were telling a different story than your words. I am able to read between the lines better than you thought I would be. Seeing you walk away even when you told me you wouldn’t, let a small part of me die on the inside but at the same time remind me of why I never let people in. Pain. But pain made me into the person I am now. So I am not going to pretend that everything is fine when it’s not. I will move forward no matter how hard it seems to be for me now.

„I think I know my limits and how to make good decisions“

I have came to the conclusion that holding onto something that was already buried deep beneath the ground doesn’t make any sense. Luckily I had the time to travel a bit a few days ago to see State Champs. The memories I made there are worth gold. Hearing „All you are is history“ live made me reconsider everything. I was standing in the middle of the crowd screaming back the lyrics until I almost lost my voice. I’ve let all of the emotions and anger that were stored in the heart of my chest for far too long out. Once and for all. I freed the demons from their cage where they had been held hostage for months.
During the song I all of a sudden realized that all the rescue plans I have made up in my mind wouldn’t change anything about us. There was no such feeling left other than emptiness. I gave up hope and wrote you this one message I was dying to send you for way too long. I can now move forward happily with no regrets because I know I have done anything in my power to save us. The 15 hours I spent on several busses to get from one city to the other helped me find the answer to my question. Luckily I have made my decision to move forward and focus on much more important things in life. I will never let a person consume me ever again.

One thing I know for sure now is, that all you are is history.