Certain things will haunt your mind for what seems like forever. I strongly believe that this is the result of you not finding the answer to your question yet. There is a reason to keep fighting. Trying to escape reality to forget about a certain thing just for a while seems impossible if it is haunting you even in your dreams at night.
I am catching planes to cities I have made memories with the most important people in my life just to re-live the pleasure and sometimes the pain. It helps me to grow stronger and realize how lucky I am. I seek emotional strength the most. Feelings are an absolute taboo for me, at least for my brain. That is exactly why I need to travel. To feel freedom. Freedom from all the pain and all the negativity haunting me.
It is some sort of defense mechanism. I would literally hop on a plane to a city I call my second home, just to walk around the streets and suck up all the energy. Re-charge my batteries, actually. To grow beyond my demons. Or at least that’s what I thought I was doing. But once I was on my way back home, I felt this ugly feeling inside of me telling me I am going back to reality. All of my fears will come crawling back.
Literally all I did was escaping. Not facing my problems. Running away from reality. I have learned, that if I want to feel freedom in my day-to-day life, I need to wake up and take life by it’s balls. There is no way around it. You want to change something? Get the F up and DO WHAT IT TAKES TO CHANGE IT.
I never talk about therapy on here. In fact I hate it. It takes away the air to breath. There is this constant battle inside of me. A voice inside my head telling me to give up. Nothing out there is ever going to make me happy. Finding happiness is an endless road of obstactles and disapointments. It’s just a matter of time before you give up because you’ve lost the strength on the way to find something non-existing. I really do wonder if there is something out there which I can hold onto for the rest of my life not falling back into this dark hole again. I fear not.
I always told myself, therapy is not going to work for me. The only person who can change the way you see things is: you. There will never ever be someone who can do all the work for you. No one can put back the broken pieces but you. ONLY YOU. Therefor I never considered it. Years, I kept ignoring my friends’ advice to go seek professional help but the more I denied it, the bigger the breakdown. That’s the rule.
So around April this year I reached out to a therapist. It makes me feel uncomfortable talking about it and somehow the feeling of disgust is rising inside of me with every word I type. I know it is something I have to accept and overcome that’s why I finally decided to write about it. I am indeed glad I have found a therapist like my current one. She is one of the most understanding people I’ve ever come across. She makes having a more positive outlook on life seem so easy.
Since I have reached out to her my life has shifted. Of course I had my breakdowns in between sessions but I know I can count on her when I feel like no one understands me. That’s what I value so much about her. I also know I have my friends but sometimes it is better to work out certain things with someone professional. It helped me a lot.
I mean I am still here.
Not a day goes by without not thinking of you. There is no way I can escape you. It’s haunting me. The time we spent together. No matter how hard I try to erase these memories, it’s just not working. It’s as if the universe is telling me to keep pushing. Keep pushing because it knows that there is a whole journey ahead of me that will bring us closer. Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow but hopefully somewhere in the future. This feeling of the unknown, not being able to know when the time will come, we’ll finally see each other is eating me from the inside.