Tearing down walls

I always tell people to keep fighting for what they want and look past the obvious. However when it comes to taking my own advice all of a sudden, I stop. Why? I don’t know. Maybe I don’t want to get better or don’t think I’m worthy enough to even think I am allowed to achieve certain things. It makes me sound like a cynical. (I am highly aware of that) Sometimes I wonder, why people would put trust in me when I can’t even take my own advice?

Trust me when I say I’ve spent most of my life thinking about why I am the way I am. Why I can’t seem to tear down my walls and let people in. Up until now it’s still a mystery to be solved.

moving on.

Sometimes you try so hard to fix a relationship you forget to think about if it’s worth the pain and stress. You put in all your energy only to find out there’s nothing left to fix anymore. And when the time arrives and you finally realise that you lost someone you once cared about so much, you have to put the pieces back together before time makes healing unbearable. You start moving on slowly thinking about what you could have done better. And when you thought there is no exit, no way to escape the pain – someone will unexpectedly come around and pull you out of this dark hole.

haunting.

Certain things will haunt your mind for what seems like forever. Trying to escape reality to forget about specific memories just for a while seems impossible if it is even haunting you in your own dreams at night.

I am catching planes to cities just to re-live the pleasure and sometimes even the pain I have been going through at very particular places. It helps me to grow stronger and realise how lucky I am. I travel to feel freedom, freedom from all the pain and all the negativity chasing me.

It is some sort of defense mechanism. I would literally hop on a plane to a city on the other side of the planet, just to walk around the streets and suck up the energy, re-charge my batteries and grow beyond my demons. Or at least that’s what I think I am doing. But every time I am on my way back home, this irresistible feeling of having to deal with my problems is making its way to the surface.

In conclusion all I do is escaping, not facing my problems and running away from reality.

want u back.

I thought one year would be enough to erase you from my memories. Spring is usually the time to start something new. Go outside, be happy. I can’t seem to enjoy any of these things lately. All I think about is you. The time we’ve spent. The memories we’ve made. The nights we’ve shared. The ups and the downs.

I want it back.
All of it.
Every single moment.

I still go to the places where we used to hang out and picture ourselves there. It hurts. You’ve changed me for the better. Showed me the world and it’s treasures. Helped me up when I stumbled over my own feet. You’ve always been there. Not always physically but always mentally.

You were the center of my universe.
Always have been, always will be.

I tried so hard to not let my demons take over me. You sensed when I struggled. Each and every time. When I couldn’t hold it back any longer, you were there to tell me everything will be okay. You didn’t run away. You stayed. Thats how I knew I could trust you. I’ve decided to let all of my guards down, despite the constant fear of judgement. And that is the best gift someone has ever given me.
Thank you.

Thank you for crossing my path at the right time.
Thank you for showing me who I really am.
Thank you for shaping me into the person I am today.
Thank you for literally anything you have ever done for me.

why worry?

I’ve shed tears, put my body through hell and forced my brain to reach its capacity to the extent it gave me migraines. And for what? For simply nothing.

We all have these periods of times where we feel like the world has forgotten about us. Or maybe we feel stuck while everyone else seems to be moving on. Everyone moves at their own pace and that is totally fine. Stressing yourself about things won’t get you anywhere. In fact it starts to consume you. Who tells you that all the things running through your head, keeping you up at night will eventually happen? What if you keep thinking about the same thing for weeks, months even, stressing over it only to find out you’ve wasted your time, because it never happened?

My point is, if you try and live trusting your guts, life suddenly becomes so much more bearable.

misery or somewhere in between.

I have forced myself to go outside to socialize with others in hope I could silence the demons living inside of my head. For most of the time I was able to put on a mask and pretend as if everything was fine. I would be around friends feeling nothing but empty. Nothing in particular was bothering me or so it seemed to me. I just had nothing left to say. Not. even. a. single. word.

I was sitting with a group of people, staring into the unknown and completely blocking out their voices. Almost as if I was hypnotized by the dark and distant sky above us. It gave me the feeling of comfort. Comfort the people around me wouldn’t be able to give me.

However within this group of people, only one person was able to see beyond the obvious. They would sense when I was putting up a show. They were the only one I couldn’t trick into thinking I was doing fine even though I was breaking apart on the inside. They didn’t change the fact I was feeling dead inside, they just made this whole thing bearable. It needed nothing more than their presence to make me feel I can handle this emptiness eating me from inside.

Auf dem Weg, mich selbst verloren.

Ich weiß nicht was es ist. Wo auf dem Weg habe ich mein Selbstbewusstsein, dass ich mir die letzten Monate so hart erarbeitet habe, verloren? So sehr versuche ich dieses innerliche Gefühl von Sicherheit zurück zu erlangen, doch leider vergeblich. Seit Wochen, nein – Monaten, weiß ich nicht mehr wie es sich anfühlt ausgeschlafen zu sein. Ständig verschiebe ich wichtigere Dinge wie schlafen, essen und Sport in den Hintergrund. Dinge die essentiell sind um zu überleben. Ja okay, Sport vielleicht nicht so – aber in meiner Welt spielt der eine enorm große Rolle. Nur dadurch schaffe ich es, alles im Gleichgewicht zu behalten.

Seit Monaten habe ich verlernt wie man richtig isst und schläft. Viel wichtiger empfinde ich derzeit einfach, mich abzulenken. Ich gehe regelrecht meinen Verpflichtungen aus dem Weg. Wieso? Ich weiß es nicht. Irgendetwas in mir erlaubt mir nicht, mich auszuruhen. Vielleicht weil mir mein Unterbewusstsein einreden will, dass ich dann wieder zu viel Zeit zum Nachdenken habe? Kann gut sein. Ständig suche ich nach Ablenkungsmöglichkeiten. Es sind die kleinsten und unwichtigsten Ereignisse, die mir den Schlaf rauben. Vielleicht habe ich auch unbewusst Angst, innere Ruhe zu finden und in meinem Trotz zu baden. Tief in mir drinnen weiß ich jedoch, dass alles was ich brauche, ein Tag ist, an dem ich mich von der Außenwelt abschotte und einfach nur auf mich selbst konzentriere. Mal sehen wie lange es noch dauert, bis mich der Drang überkommt, endlich die Augen zu öffnen um den Weg zurück zu mir wieder zu finden.