The things I feared the most became reality. It was bound to happen. It was just a matter of time. I remember lying in bed wide awake, not being able to sleep and thinking about the worst case scenario that could happen to me within the next few weeks and months. I’ve shed tears, put my body through hell and forced my brain to reach the capacity to the extent it gave me migraines.
Sometimes I’m forced into situations that make me feel uncomfortable and let a small part of me die on the inside. It hurts in the moment and may hurt for a few more weeks but in the end I know it helps me grow as a person. Pain helps me overcome so many things. Pain makes me restart myself and get in touch with my true inner feelings and emotions but most importantly it shows me who I really am. It’s like as if I’m a snake growing out of my own skin each time I’m getting hurt. Pain makes me change. For the better. Most people won’t understand, but I have to fall down the deep dark hole in order to get in touch with myself again. It happens quite frequently but I won’t stop it from happening because I know that good times are waiting for me at the end of the tunnel.
Tough times are waiting for me in the future, I am aware of that. I have to get through certain things just to learn my lesson and guess what? It is okay like that. We all have these periods of times where we feel like the world has forgotten about us. Or maybe we feel stuck while everyone else seems to be moving forward. Everyone moves at their own pace and that is totally fine. Stressing yourself about things won’t get you anywhere. In fact it starts to consume you. Who tells you that all the things running through your head, keeping you up at night will eventually happen? No one can guarantee you that. What if you keep thinking about the same thing for weeks, months even, stressing over it only to find out you’ve waisted your time, because it never happened? If you try and live trusting your guts, life suddenly becomes so much more bearable. Great opportunities will run full speed into your arms, fulfilling you with happiness.
My point is, worrying will keep you from seeing the world in full HD. It’s true I can’t deny it, sometimes worries happen but most of the times they won’t.
If worries never happen, tell me why worry at all?
Not a day goes by when I’m not thinking of you. Even when I’m sleeping I see your face in front of me. There is no way I can escape you. It’s haunting me. The time we spent together. No matter how hard I try to erase these memories, it’s just not working. It’s as if the universe is telling me to keep pushing. Keep pushing because it knows that there is a whole journey ahead of me that will bring us closer. Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow but hopefully somewhere in the future. This feeling of the unknown, not being able to know when the time will come, we’ll finally see each other is eating me from the inside.
I remember the time I woke up in their arms and felt nothing but complete. Not having to think about all of my problems for at least a while made me feel free even though they had their arms wrapped around me. I honestly can’t recall the last time I felt free. Being free doesn’t always mean being on your own travelling the world. Sometimes it means lying in bed with the person you love while losing track of time. It kills me not being able to let go. Maybe it’s because I’ve never felt so alive while being with someone else. Maybe it’s this feeling of freedom that the person was able to give me even though we spent hours on each others side. All I know is, there is so much more to this than what has already been.
I’ve got bad jokes just to pass the time in social settings but I’m dead inside. I’m not sure what you want from me at all.
The past couple of weeks I have forced myself to go outside and socialise with others in hope I could silence the demons living inside of my head. For most of the time I was able to put on a mask and pretend as if everything was fine. I would be around friends feeling nothing but empty. Nothing in particular was bothering me or so it seemed to me. I just had nothing left to say. Not even a single word. It was like sitting with a group of people, staring into the unknown and completely blocking out their voices. Almost as if I was hypnotised by the dark and distant sky above us. It gave me a feeling of comfort. Comfort the people around me wouldn’t be able to give me.
However there was one person who was able to accept the fact that I was hollow inside. They would sense when I was putting up a show. They were the only one I couldn’t trick into thinking I was doing fine even though I was breaking apart on the inside. They didn’t change the fact I was feeling dead inside, they just made this whole thing bearable. It needed nothing more than their presence to make me feel I can handle this emptiness eating me from inside.
Ich weiß nicht was es ist. Wo auf dem Weg habe ich mein Selbstbewusstsein, dass ich mir die letzten Monate so hart erarbeitet habe, verloren? So sehr versuche ich dieses innerliche Gefühl von Sicherheit zurück zu erlangen, doch leider vergeblich. Mein Kopf ist voll mit unnötigen Problemen und Szenarien, dass kein Platz mehr für die wichtigeren Probleme ist. Seit Wochen, nein – Monaten, weiß ich nicht mehr wie es sich anfühlt ausgeschlafen zu sein. Ständig verschiebe ich wichtigere Dinge wie schlafen, essen und Sport in den Hintergrund. Dinge die essentiell sind um zu überleben. Ja okay, Sport vielleicht nicht so – aber in meiner Welt spielt der eine enorm große Rolle. Nur dadurch schaffe ich es, alles im Gleichgewicht zu behalten.
Seit Monaten habe ich verlernt wie man richtig isst und schläft. Viel wichtiger empfinde ich derzeit einfach, mich abzulenken. Ich gehe regelrecht meinen Verpflichtungen aus dem Weg. Wieso? Ich weiß es nicht. Irgendetwas in mir erlaubt mir nicht, mich auszuruhen. Vielleicht weil mir mein Unterbewusstsein einreden will, dass ich dann wieder zu viel Zeit zum Nachdenken habe? Kann gut sein. Ständig suche ich nach Ablenkungsmöglichkeiten. Jemand aus der Schule den ich seit Jahren nicht gesehen hab hat Geburtstag? Lass schnell mal auf die Party gehen. Morgen spielt eine Band in der Nähe von mir, dessen Name ich schon einmal gehört habe? Na dann auf zum Konzert. Der neue Spiderman-Film ist im Kino? Nichts wie hin. Es sind die kleinsten und unwichtigsten Ereignisse, die mir den Schlaf rauben. Vielleicht habe ich auch unbewusst Angst, innere Ruhe zu finden und in meinem Trotz zu baden. Tief in mir drinnen weiß ich jedoch, dass alles was ich brauche, ein Tag ist, an dem ich mich von der Außenwelt abschotte und einfach nur auf mich selbst konzentriere. Mal sehen wie lange es noch dauert, bis mich der Drang überkommt, endlich die Augen zu öffnen um den Weg zurück zu mir wieder zu finden.