Certain things will haunt your mind for what seems like forever. I strongly believe that this is the result of you not finding the answer to your question yet. There is a reason to keep fighting. Trying to escape reality to forget about a certain thing just for a while seems impossible if it is haunting you even in your dreams at night.
I am catching planes to cities I have made memories with the most important people in my life just to re-live the pleasure and sometimes the pain. It helps me to grow stronger and realize how lucky I am. I seek emotional strength the most. Feelings are an absolute taboo for me, at least for my brain. That is exactly why I need to travel. To feel freedom. Freedom from all the pain and all the negativity haunting me.
It is some sort of defense mechanism. I would literally hop on a plane to a city I call my second home, just to walk around the streets and suck up all the energy. Re-charge my batteries, actually. To grow beyond my demons. Or at least that’s what I thought I was doing. But once I was on my way back home, I felt this ugly feeling inside of me telling me I am going back to reality. All of my fears will come crawling back.
Literally all I did was escaping. Not facing my problems. Running away from reality. I have learned, that if I want to feel freedom in my day-to-day life, I need to wake up and take life by it’s balls. There is no way around it. You want to change something? Get the F up and DO WHAT IT TAKES TO CHANGE IT.
I never talk about therapy on here. In fact I hate it. It takes away the air to breath. There is this constant battle inside of me. A voice inside my head telling me to give up. Nothing out there is ever going to make me happy. Finding happiness is an endless road of obstactles and disapointments. It’s just a matter of time before you give up because you’ve lost the strength on the way to find something non-existing. I really do wonder if there is something out there which I can hold onto for the rest of my life not falling back into this dark hole again. I fear not.
I always told myself, therapy is not going to work for me. The only person who can change the way you see things is: you. There will never ever be someone who can do all the work for you. No one can put back the broken pieces but you. ONLY YOU. Therefor I never considered it. Years, I kept ignoring my friends’ advice to go seek professional help but the more I denied it, the bigger the breakdown. That’s the rule.
So around April this year I reached out to a therapist. It makes me feel uncomfortable talking about it and somehow the feeling of disgust is rising inside of me with every word I type. I know it is something I have to accept and overcome that’s why I finally decided to write about it. I am indeed glad I have found a therapist like my current one. She is one of the most understanding people I’ve ever come across. She makes having a more positive outlook on life seem so easy.
Since I have reached out to her my life has shifted. Of course I had my breakdowns in between sessions but I know I can count on her when I feel like no one understands me. That’s what I value so much about her. I also know I have my friends but sometimes it is better to work out certain things with someone professional. It helped me a lot.
I mean I am still here.
Social media has a reputation for ruining people’s life. It’s almost like a battlefield. Everyone is competing against each other daily. Uploading pictures, following people just to unfollow them a few days later for their own good. When has that happened? Where has the true intention of following someone purely because you liked who their are gone? In the new area of social media people follow each other just to get their followers up to fake the feeling to be wanted by people. I see way too many people out there lost in the www who really think having 10k follower will ease the pain of feeling lonely at night. Only because you have a huge amount of following on your social media profile doesn’t mean 10k people care about you. Stop living in a fake world.
I’ve been on a constant high these past few days. Enjoying life, living my life without any regrets. I honestly enjoyed every second of it until the devil on my shoulder took over me. Everything worked out as planned and even if it didn’t exactly work out as I imagined to, the outcome was always as I expected it to be. It’s just the way to reach my goal was a different one than I thought it would be. Which in fact is not a bad thing.
However there was one event that made the rollercoaster drop immensely. I’ve decided to break free from my old habits and try out something new. I want to finally chase my dreams and travel. This is what I am going to do. It is fucking scary stepping into the unknown not knowing what comes next, but at the same time it is exciting as heck. I live for adventures. I truly do. Uncertainty attracts my attention despite it being a bit scary. I was not placed on earth to make the same mistakes over and over again. Neither was I put here to live a life others want me to. I am here to follow my goals and learn as much as possible.
I may have fucked up these past few days, drowning in my own misery but I don’t regret it per se. As a perfectionist, sure, I want to have control over every bit of my life but where is the fun in having everything planned out? I need to have a bit of room to be surprised by unexpected events. I’m not saying to stop planning out your life or having a vision, dreams and goals. No. You sure need something to work towards for but you have to make some room for surprises.
Never in my life have I felt such a biased feeling about taking a risky decision. I used to either feel completely devastated or completely happy. No in between.
Today is one of those days I feel happy to let go of the negativity, but I’m also a bit frightened about what the future has in store for me. I know there will be a million of opportunities once I follow my passions, doing what I love. Right now I know it’s the best I can do and deep inside of me I finally feel like heading somewhere in life. I feel like breaking free of my old habits and beliefs others have planted in my head for so long. It’s now time to follow my heart and live for myself. Way too long I’ve lived a life others would expect me to. I came to the conclusion, pleasing others and meeting their expectations is the not the way to life-long happiness.
I wish I could describe the feeling in my chest right now. Knowing I’m one step closer to my goals has filled me with excitement and uncertainty, yet it makes me overly happy.
I always say, what is meant to be will be.
I’m a strong believer that not only people but also certain events will happen if you want them to. You may not wish for something to happen, wake up the next morning and it’ll be there. No. You attract something or someone into your life once you’re ready for it. Don’t give up on your dreams. Never. They will arrive. Sooner or later.
Once your mindset has reached the level of I-am-complete-and-do-not-need-someone-or-something-to-make-me-complete, positive opportunities will make their way into your life without you even persistently trying to. Stop forcing things to happen. It will only push you further away from your dreams and goals. Relax and trust it will happen at the right time.
Focus on the here and now instead. This is the only time you can make use of. Put yourself in the best mood you can possibly achieve. Do what you love. Once you do what you love doing, you get closer and closer to your goals. Forget about your past and stop stressing about your future. You can’t change the past nor can you influence your future by sitting around waiting for things to happen. Take action. Whatever it is you are trying to achieve.
I thought one year would be enough to erase you from my memories. Spring is usually the time to start something new. Go outside, be happy. I can’t seem to enjoy any of these things lately. All I think about is you. The time we’ve spent. The memories we’ve made. The nights we’ve shared. The ups and the downs.
I want it back.
All of it.
Every single moment.
I still go to the places where we used to hang out and picture ourselves there. It hurts. You’ve changed me for the better. Showed me the world and it’s treasures. Helped me up when I stumbled over my own feet. You’ve always been there. Not always physically but always mentally.
You were the center of my universe.
Always have been, always will be.
I tried so hard to not let my demons take over me. You sensed it when I struggled. Each and every time. When I couldn’t hold it back any longer, you were there to tell me it’s okay. You didn’t run away. You stayed. Thats how I knew I could trust you. I’ve decided to let all of my guards down. Despite the constant fear of judgement. And that is the best gift someone has ever given me. Thank you.
Thank you for crossing my path.
Thank you for showing me who I really am.
Thank you for shaping me into the person I am today.
Thank you for literally anything you have ever done.
I loved you with all my heart.
I know you knew.
But now it’s time to move on.