simple thought.

The simple thought of knowing, you can have literally everything you have ever dreamed of, makes my heart beat faster out of mere excitement.

Your thoughts vibrate energy. Good or bad. Depending on which of the two you choose to focus on, a shift in your reality will happen. Your life with all its experiences have been attracted by you. If you want to have a change in your life, take your time and think about what it is you want.

Sit down at a quiet place an write down your dreams. Let the emotions flow. Emotions are a crucial part of manifesting your dream life. Once you feel happiness and the exciting, positive energy flowing through your system, you know you are on the right path. Believe that what you wish for is meant for you. Act as if it is already yours and your dreams will turn into reality faster than you think.

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change.

Venus retrograde made me realize, I have to stop my self-destructing behaviour and analyze my current situation. It’s nothing I shy away from, because I like to take every opportunity to grow from my past. There is always a lesson in the tiniest of events that you will benefit from in the future – if you aware of it in the present or not.

Looking back I realized, I have lost myself on the way, yet again. I gave too much, expected nothing in return. I basically just let people take away my last bit of happiness.

Tearing down walls

I always tell people to keep fighting for what they want and look past the obvious. However when it comes to taking my own advice all of a sudden, I stop. Why? I don’t know. Maybe I don’t want to get better or don’t think I’m worthy enough to even think I am allowed to achieve certain things. It makes me sound like a cynical, I am highly aware of that. Sometimes I even wonder: why would people put trust in me when I can’t even take my own advice?

Trust me when I say I’ve spent most of my life thinking about why I am the way I am. Why I can’t seem to tear down my walls and let people in. Up until now it’s still a mystery to be solved.

biased.

The new year started off quite nice, me knowing where I wanted to head. I have had my plans sorted out and finally found peace with the idea on which path to take. However, life is not always that easy. Eventually it’ll throw obstacles your way to test your real motivation – and that’s what happened.

I’ve realized for myself what I wanted to do with my life. Therefor I worked hard for it to make it happen. I never liked talking about my goals to anyone in case someone will hold my own opinion against me some time to tell me “but you’ve said this two weeks ago, stick to it”. I’d rather silently work on realizing my own dreams than go around telling everyone about it. It takes away most of the motivation to pursue your goal anyway. Always having to justify yourself in front of others is tiring as well.

One should choose their own path, knowing what’s best for them without letting other’s opinions bring them down.

silent love.

Sometimes you try so hard to fix a relationship you forget to think about if it’s worth the pain and stress. You put in all your energy only to find out there’s nothing left to fix anymore. And when the time arrives when you finally realize that you lost someone you once cared about so much, you have to put the pieces back together before time makes the pain worse. You move on slowly thinking about what you could have done better. And when you thought there is no exit, no way to escape the pain – someone will unexpectedly come around and pull you out of this dark hole. They show you what real love is without using words. Something you have never experienced before. A new way to show you how much they care about you. Words mean nothing when the eyes deliver a different message. You start to realize that love is more than just words. You finally let go of the pain and focus on the present. 

eye opening.

Certain things will haunt your mind for what seems like forever. I strongly believe that this is the result of  you not finding the answer to your question yet. There is a reason to keep fighting. Trying to escape reality to forget about a certain thing just for a while seems impossible if it is haunting you even in your dreams at night.

I am catching planes to cities I have made memories with the most important people in my life just to re-live the pleasure and sometimes the pain. It helps me to grow stronger and realize how lucky I am. I seek emotional strength the most. Feelings are an absolute taboo for me, at least for my brain. That is exactly why I need to travel. To feel freedom. Freedom from all the pain and all the negativity haunting me.

It is some sort of defense mechanism. I would literally hop on a plane to a city I call my second home, just to walk around the streets and suck up all the energy. Re-charge my batteries, actually. To grow beyond my demons. Or at least that’s what I thought I was doing. But once I was on my way back home, I felt this ugly feeling inside of me telling me I am going back to reality. All of my fears will come crawling back.

Literally all I did was escaping. Not facing my problems. Running away from reality. I have learned, that if I want to feel freedom in my day-to-day life, I need to wake up and take life by it’s balls. There is no way around it. You want to change something? Get the F up and DO WHAT IT TAKES TO CHANGE IT.

therapy.

I never talk about therapy on here. In fact I hate it. It takes away the air to breath. There is this constant battle inside of me. A voice inside my head telling me to give up. Nothing out there is ever going to make me happy. Finding happiness is an endless road of obstactles and disapointments. It’s just a matter of time before you give up because you’ve lost the strength on the way to find something non-existing. I really do wonder if there is something out there  which I can hold onto for the rest of my life not falling back into this dark hole again. I fear not.

I always told myself, therapy is not going to work for me. The only person who can change the way you see things is: you. There will never ever be someone who can do all the work for you. No one can put back the broken pieces but you. ONLY YOU.  Therefor I never considered it. Years, I kept ignoring my friends’ advice to go seek professional help but the more I denied it, the bigger the breakdown. That’s the rule.

So around April this year I reached out to a therapist. It makes me feel uncomfortable talking about it and somehow the feeling of disgust is rising inside of me with every word I type. I know it is something I have to accept and overcome that’s why I finally decided to write about it. I am indeed glad I have found a therapist like my current one. She is one of the most understanding people I’ve ever come across. She makes having a more positive outlook on life seem so easy.

Since I have reached out to her my life has shifted. Of course I had my breakdowns in between sessions but I know I can count on her when I feel like no one understands me. That’s what I value so much about her. I also know I have my friends but sometimes it is better to work out certain things with someone professional. It helped me a lot.

I mean I am still here.