Certain things will haunt your mind for what seems like forever. I strongly believe that this is the result of you not finding the answer to your question yet. There is a reason to keep fighting. Trying to escape reality to forget about a certain thing just for a while seems impossible if it is haunting you even in your dreams at night.
I am catching planes to cities I have made memories with the most important people in my life just to re-live the pleasure and sometimes the pain. It helps me to grow stronger and realize how lucky I am. I seek emotional strength the most. Feelings are an absolute taboo for me, at least for my brain. That is exactly why I need to travel. To feel freedom. Freedom from all the pain and all the negativity haunting me.
It is some sort of defense mechanism. I would literally hop on a plane to a city I call my second home, just to walk around the streets and suck up all the energy. Re-charge my batteries, actually. To grow beyond my demons. Or at least that’s what I thought I was doing. But once I was on my way back home, I felt this ugly feeling inside of me telling me I am going back to reality. All of my fears will come crawling back.
Literally all I did was escaping. Not facing my problems. Running away from reality. I have learned, that if I want to feel freedom in my day-to-day life, I need to wake up and take life by it’s balls. There is no way around it. You want to change something? Get the F up and DO WHAT IT TAKES TO CHANGE IT.