broken is the state.

Hey, it’s me again. I know I haven’t been active these past few months. I’ve been constantly torn between trying to live my life and trying to not have a breakdown. The hardest part though is, trying to get your shit together when the first thought that strikes your brain in the morning is „How long do I still have to go through this hell which approximately takes up to 30% of my week“. Someone tell me, please. I’m waiting to be enlightened. It literally is a freaking pain in the ass to drag my body out of bed each an every morning. I’ve been doing this for the last year now. It gradually gets worse. My mood is already set the moment I open my eyes. A sigh is the first thing that escapes my mouth in the early moments of being awake. Healthy? I don’t think so.

Lately I found myself going down the deep dark whole faster than the water in the sink. My usual morning would start with literally collapsing before I even reach the window to open it. I usually find myself either on the floor battling to see straight again or holding onto some kind of furniture to stop my body from collapsing. Getting ready in the morning has become some sort of extra effort. To get me through this whole process I blast hardcore music as loud as I can for at least 30 minutes. Before I even decide to have breakfast or not I get my daily dose of early caffeine into my body by drinking pure black tea.

Throughout the day my stress levels are so high they keep me awake to let me continue with „what I have to do for a living“. On my way home I usually chug a Red Bull to stop me from falling asleep so I can focus on the fun part of the day. Catching up with friends, working on private projects or do a quick workout if my body allows that sort of effort. Before hitting bed my body 90% of the time gives me nausea as if the whole day wasn’t already exhausting enough. Falling into bed after 1am and staring at the ceiling until 3am has become a routine.

Broken? I think so.

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