Lived a lie

Never in my life have I felt such a biased feeling about taking a risky decision. I used to either feel completely devastated or completely happy. No in between.

Today is one of those days I feel happy to let go of the negativity, but I’m also a bit frightened about what the future has in store for me. I know there will be a million of opportunities once I follow my passions, doing what I love. Right now I know it’s the best I can do and deep inside of me I finally feel like heading somewhere in life. I feel like breaking free of my old habits and beliefs others have planted in my head for so long. It’s now time to follow my heart and live for myself. Way too long I’ve lived a life others would expect me to. I  came to the conclusion, pleasing others and meeting their expectations is the not the way to life-long happiness.

I wish I could describe the feeling in my chest right now. Knowing I’m one step closer to my goals has filled me with excitement and uncertainty, yet it makes me overly happy.

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dreams.

I always say, what is meant to be will be.
I’m a strong believer that not only people but also certain events will happen if you want them to. You may not wish for something to happen, wake up the next morning and it’ll be there. No. You attract something or someone into your life once you’re ready for it. Don’t give up on your dreams. Never. They will arrive. Sooner or later.

Once your mindset has reached the level of I-am-complete-and-do-not-need-someone-or-something-to-make-me-complete, positive opportunities will make their way into your life without you even persistently trying to. Stop forcing things to happen. It will only push you further away from your dreams and goals. Relax and trust it will happen at the right time.

Focus on the here and now instead. This is the only time you can make use of. Put yourself in the best mood you can possibly achieve. Do what you love. Once you do what you love doing, you get closer and closer to your goals. Forget about your past and stop stressing about your future. You can’t change the past nor can you influence your future by sitting around waiting for things to happen. Take action. Whatever it is you are trying to achieve.

 

want u back

I thought one year would be enough to erase you from my memories. Spring is usually the time to start something new. Go outside, be happy. I can’t seem to enjoy any of these things lately. All I think about is you. The time we’ve spent. The memories we’ve made. The nights we’ve shared. The ups and the downs.

I want it back.
All of it.
Every single moment.

I still go to the places where we used to hang out and picture ourselves there. It hurts. You’ve changed me for the better. Showed me the world and it’s treasures. Helped me up when I stumbled over my own feet. You’ve always been there. Not always physically but always mentally.

You were the center of my universe.
Always have been, always will be.

I tried so hard to not let my demons take over me. You sensed it when I struggled. Each and every time. When I couldn’t hold it back any longer, you were there to tell me it’s okay. You didn’t run away. You stayed. Thats how I knew I could trust you. I’ve decided to let all of my guards down. Despite the constant fear of judgement. And that is the best gift someone has ever given me. Thank you.

Thank you for crossing my path.
Thank you for showing me who I really am.
Thank you for shaping me into the person I am today.
Thank you for literally anything you have ever done.

I loved you with all my heart.
I know you knew.

But now it’s time to move on.

 

why worry?

The things I feared the most became reality. It was bound to happen. It was just a matter of time. I remember lying in bed wide awake, not being able to sleep and thinking about the worst case scenario that could happen to me within the next few weeks and months. I’ve shed tears, put my body through hell and forced my brain to reach the capacity to the extent it gave me migraines.

Sometimes I’m forced into situations that make me feel uncomfortable and let a small part of me die on the inside. It hurts in the moment and may hurt for a few more weeks but in the end I know it helps me grow as a person. Pain helps me overcome so many things. Pain makes me restart myself and get in touch with my true inner feelings and emotions but most importantly it shows me who I really am. It’s like as if I’m a snake growing out of my own skin each time I’m getting hurt. Pain makes me change. For the better. Most people won’t understand, but I have to fall down the deep dark hole in order to get in touch with myself again. It happens quite frequently but I won’t stop it from happening because I know that good times are waiting for me at the end of the tunnel.

Tough times are waiting for me in the future, I am aware of that. I have to get through certain things just to learn my lesson and guess what? It is okay like that. We all have these periods of times where we feel like the world has forgotten about us. Or maybe we feel stuck while everyone else seems to be moving forward. Everyone moves at their own pace and that is totally fine. Stressing yourself about things won’t get you anywhere. In fact it starts to consume you. Who tells you that all the things running through your head, keeping you up at night will eventually happen? No one can guarantee you that. What if you keep thinking about the same thing for weeks, months even, stressing over it only to find out you’ve waisted your time, because it never happened? If you try and live trusting your guts, life suddenly becomes so much more bearable. Great opportunities will run full speed into your arms, fulfilling you with happiness.

My point is, worrying will keep you from seeing the world in full HD. It’s true I can’t deny it, sometimes worries happen but most of the times they won’t.

If worries never happen, tell me why worry at all?

you.

Not a day goes by without not thinking of you. There is no way I can escape you. It’s haunting me. The time we spent together. No matter how hard I try to erase these memories, it’s just not working. It’s as if the universe is telling me to keep pushing. Keep pushing because it knows that there is a whole journey ahead of me that will bring us closer. Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow but hopefully somewhere in the future. This feeling of the unknown, not being able to know when the time will come, we’ll finally see each other is eating me from the inside.

 

misery or somewhere in between.

The past couple of weeks I have forced myself to go outside to socialize with others in hope I could silence the demons living inside of my head. For most of the time I was able to put on a mask and pretend as if everything was fine. I would be around friends feeling nothing but empty. Nothing in particular was bothering me or so it seemed to me. I just had nothing left to say. Not even a single word. I was sitting with a group of people, staring into the unknown and completely blocking out their voices. Almost as if I was hypnotized by the dark and distant sky above us. It gave me a feeling of comfort. Comfort the people around me wouldn’t be able to give me.

However there was one person who was able to accept the fact that I was hollow inside. They would sense when I was putting up a show. They were the only one I couldn’t trick into thinking I was doing fine even though I was breaking apart on the inside. They didn’t change the fact I was feeling dead inside, they just made this whole thing bearable. It needed nothing more than their presence to make me feel I can handle this emptiness eating me from inside.

 

 

 

 

Unsicherheit, mein guter alter Freund.

Ich merke wie alles nur wegen meiner Unsicherheit, den Bach runter geht. Wieder einmal. Wie oft will ich denn noch mein eigener Feind sein? WIE OFT? Trotz dem, dass ich die Warnsignale eindeutig erkannt habe, habe ich es nicht früh genug geschafft zu handeln. Immer wieder schaffe ich es meine Unsicherheit über mich hinauswachsen zu lassen. Hilflos schaue ich zu wie sie mich von innen auffrisst und über mich hinaus wächst. Unaufhaltbar nimmt sie an Geschwindigkeit zu. Von Tag zu Tag, von Woche zu Woche.

In diesen letzten Wochen habe ich die Kontrolle über mein von mir erschaffenes Monster verloren. Wieder einmal. Doch heute habe ich mich dem schweren Kampf gestellt, aus enormer Angst, dass nun alles vorbei ist. Niemals würde ich wollen, dass das schon alles war. Nein, ganz im Gegenteil. Ich will, dass alles dort weitergeht wo es vor paar Wochen aufgehört hat. Genau da will ich weiter machen und den Rest einfach vergessen. Die Hoffnung, dass alles noch zu retten ist, war letztendlich größer als die Angst.