Consumed by others.

Lately I’ve been asking myself the same question over and over again.

Now, after thinking about this for almost four months now I finally came to a very realistic sounding solution to my problem. I’ve been struggling to find out who I really am. Starting with January of this year. I promised myself to find out which path I want to go in my life. To be honest I’m getting there. It’s still a bit of work to do but I know where I’m heading. It is the most beautiful feeling, knowing you are your own judge. If you think what you are doing is right, it most likely is. However if you feel bad about something – most of the time your instinct doesn’t lie. Trust your instincts instead. (Also one of my top three goals for this year.)

Living on my own and being my own judge has made me realize many more things I couldn’t even think of before. I realized once you are on your own, you invest more time into decision taking. I came to the conclusion that it’s okay to ask others for their opinion but they should never influence your decision. This was my major problem in the past. I used to ask friends for their opinion and depending on which one sounded more realistic – I decided to take action based on one of the opinions my friends shared with me. It is one of the worst things to do, not trusting yourself enough and being depended on someone else. I thought I was useless and my opinion doesn’t have any value at all because I thought I have not collected enough experience in a certain field/area or haven’t been there or done that in order to be able to know what’s right or wrong. I’ve been experiencing a lot of self-hate due to not trusting my instincts. Opinions of others matter to me don’t get me wrong it’s just you are the only one who knows what’s the right thing to do in a situation. You know if you can handle the consequences your decision may bring with it. As long as you are fine with the consequences go for it. You always have to weigh what’s more important to you.

My mistake was that I ignored my own feelings and thought someone else would know how I function and be able to make a  decision for me. I used to live for others way too long. I thought that everything my very closed ones, and with that I don’t necessarily mean my family, know what’s right for me. It was a lie. No one ever gets to experience the way you feel in certain situations even though you may describe it to them in the best way possible. You are the only one who can control your feelings. Make the best out it. You truly know what’s best for you. Friends and other peoples opinions may make you look at things differently. They make you start thinking about something you would never have thought of before. This is a very great opportunity and should get you thinking. It don’t necessarily mean you have to agree with what they say. They just opened your eyes and made you see things from a different angle.

What I’m trying to say with all of this is, that I pretended to be someone else for too long. I used to live for others. I believed almost everything my closest friends told me (not second-guessing things) because I really looked up to them. They seemed to have experienced certain things in more depth than me. This was the reason why I blindly trusted every word they said. I did everything they wanted me to do. I wanted to be a part of them. I wanted to be accepted. The reason why I did and behaved the way they wanted me to is because I had low self-esteem and didn’t trust myself enough. I always thought you have to reach a certain age in life to know how to handle unforeseen situations like a master. It’s a lie. You mature with experience not age. I wish someone told me that earlier in life.

Knowing that it is okay to say „No“ when you really don’t feel like doing or trying out things is perfectly fine. It took me a while to learn how to say „No“ and stick to it. You don’t have to feel bad neither do you have to apologize for your feelings that made you choose to go this way. NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR YOU FEELINGS. N E V E R.