Let’s start with a song that helped me go through a certain part of my life.
All you are is history by State Champs describes the situation I’ve been in for like 90%. It is insane how one band can write songs you can relate to so much.
„I’m a realist and an optimist but I swear to you, I’m not getting over this“
I wouldn’t particularly say that I am an optimist in all situations of my life, but to a certain extend I am even though I hardly show it. I tried to hold on for longer than I should have and tried to fix everything that was broken already. Even though deep down inside of me I knew I lost the war, I looked past it and ignored the fact I couldn’t stop the ship from sinking. It was hard for me to accept the truth. The realist in me knew it was over and that there was nothing left to fix anymore but the optimist ignored what the realist had to say and fought even harder than before to bring back the time where everything was still fine. You can also refer to the realist as my heart and the optimist as my brain. There is always a constant battle between these two. It is a never-ending war; and before I have even decided whether to listen to my heart or head – the decision was made by the other person. So I guess it’s safe to say I am a mess between my heart and head.
„Walking tall in a small town. Full of yourself when you’re feeling down“
To be fair this part of the song doesn’t sound too positive, but for me it has quite a different meaning than it originally was supposed to have I guess. It reminds me of when I pretended to be all self-confident when in fact I was dying on the inside. I didn’t want this one specific person to know that I’m having a hard time accepting their decision. It was killing me on the inside but I wouldn’t let anyone know. I thought faking my own happiness will eventually get me there but I successfully failed. In fact it only got me into more trouble. My heart was still holding onto this thing we had but my head told me to let go. I stayed awake every night until sunrise because I was too afraid to fall asleep and dream of you.
„I’ve had enough of all the talk on how you’re saving me. Talk like you’re self-assured but all you are is history“
This line throws me back to my favourite memory of us. Midnight conversations with you were the most beautiful thing until I realized all you said were just empty promises. I waited for the time you would take action based on your words. It never happened. Everything you said that one night let me think you know what you were talking about. You seemed to be a man of his word. Now all that is left are empty promises, wasted conversations and restless nights. After all of this we have been through all you did was walk away silently. So I have only one more question left for you – How am I supposed to get over this?
„I can’t pretend anymore. You don’t wanna leave you said that before“
The hardest part about accepting your decision is that I saw you’re eyes were telling a different story than your words. I am able to read between the lines better than you thought I would be. Seeing you walk away even when you told me you wouldn’t, let a small part of me die on the inside but at the same time remind me of why I never let people in. Pain. But pain made me into the person I am now. So I am not going to pretend that everything is fine when it’s not. I will move forward no matter how hard it seems to be for me now.
„I think I know my limits and how to make good decisions“
I have came to the conclusion that holding onto something that was already buried deep beneath the ground doesn’t make any sense. Luckily I had the time to travel a bit a few days ago to see State Champs. The memories I made there are worth gold. Hearing „All you are is history“ live made me reconsider everything. I was standing in the middle of the crowd screaming back the lyrics until I almost lost my voice. I’ve let all of the emotions and anger that were stored in the heart of my chest for far too long out. Once and for all. I freed the demons from their cage where they had been held hostage for months.
During the song I all of a sudden realized that all the rescue plans I have made up in my mind wouldn’t change anything about us. There was no such feeling left other than emptiness. I gave up hope and wrote you this one message I was dying to send you for way too long. I can now move forward happily with no regrets because I know I have done anything in my power to save us. The 15 hours I spent on several busses to get from one city to the other helped me find the answer to my question. Luckily I have made my decision to move forward and focus on much more important things in life. I will never let a person consume me ever again.
One thing I know for sure now is, that all you are is history.