Tearing down walls

I always tell people to keep fighting for what they want and look past the obvious. However when it comes to taking my own advice all of a sudden, I stop. Why? I don’t know. Maybe I don’t want to get better or don’t think I’m worthy enough to even think I am allowed to achieve certain things. It makes me sound like a cynical. (I am highly aware of that) Sometimes I wonder, why people would put trust in me when I can’t even take my own advice?

Trust me when I say I’ve spent most of my life thinking about why I am the way I am. Why I can’t seem to tear down my walls and let people in. Up until now it’s still a mystery to be solved.

moving on.

Sometimes you try so hard to fix a relationship you forget to think about if it’s worth the pain and stress. You put in all your energy only to find out there’s nothing left to fix anymore. And when the time arrives and you finally realise that you lost someone you once cared about so much, you have to put the pieces back together before time makes healing unbearable. You start moving on slowly thinking about what you could have done better. And when you thought there is no exit, no way to escape the pain – someone will unexpectedly come around and pull you out of this dark hole.

haunting.

Certain things will haunt your mind for what seems like forever. Trying to escape reality to forget about specific memories just for a while seems impossible if it is even haunting you in your own dreams at night.

I am catching planes to cities just to re-live the pleasure and sometimes even the pain I have been going through at very particular places. It helps me to grow stronger and realise how lucky I am. I travel to feel freedom, freedom from all the pain and all the negativity chasing me.

It is some sort of defense mechanism. I would literally hop on a plane to a city on the other side of the planet, just to walk around the streets and suck up the energy, re-charge my batteries and grow beyond my demons. Or at least that’s what I think I am doing. But every time I am on my way back home, this irresistible feeling of having to deal with my problems is making its way to the surface.

In conclusion all I do is escaping, not facing my problems and running away from reality.

want u back.

I thought one year would be enough to erase you from my memories. Spring is usually the time to start something new. Go outside, be happy. I can’t seem to enjoy any of these things lately. All I think about is you. The time we’ve spent. The memories we’ve made. The nights we’ve shared. The ups and the downs.

I want it back.
All of it.
Every single moment.

I still go to the places where we used to hang out and picture ourselves there. It hurts. You’ve changed me for the better. Showed me the world and it’s treasures. Helped me up when I stumbled over my own feet. You’ve always been there. Not always physically but always mentally.

You were the center of my universe.
Always have been, always will be.

I tried so hard to not let my demons take over me. You sensed when I struggled. Each and every time. When I couldn’t hold it back any longer, you were there to tell me everything will be okay. You didn’t run away. You stayed. Thats how I knew I could trust you. I’ve decided to let all of my guards down, despite the constant fear of judgement. And that is the best gift someone has ever given me.
Thank you.

Thank you for crossing my path at the right time.
Thank you for showing me who I really am.
Thank you for shaping me into the person I am today.
Thank you for literally anything you have ever done for me.

why worry?

I’ve shed tears, put my body through hell and forced my brain to reach its capacity to the extent it gave me migraines. And for what? For simply nothing.

We all have these periods of times where we feel like the world has forgotten about us. Or maybe we feel stuck while everyone else seems to be moving on. Everyone moves at their own pace and that is totally fine. Stressing yourself about things won’t get you anywhere. In fact it starts to consume you. Who tells you that all the things running through your head, keeping you up at night will eventually happen? What if you keep thinking about the same thing for weeks, months even, stressing over it only to find out you’ve wasted your time, because it never happened?

My point is, if you try and live trusting your guts, life suddenly becomes so much more bearable.

misery or somewhere in between.

I have forced myself to go outside to socialize with others in hope I could silence the demons living inside of my head. For most of the time I was able to put on a mask and pretend as if everything was fine. I would be around friends feeling nothing but empty. Nothing in particular was bothering me or so it seemed to me. I just had nothing left to say. Not. even. a. single. word.

I was sitting with a group of people, staring into the unknown and completely blocking out their voices. Almost as if I was hypnotized by the dark and distant sky above us. It gave me the feeling of comfort. Comfort the people around me wouldn’t be able to give me.

However within this group of people, only one person was able to see beyond the obvious. They would sense when I was putting up a show. They were the only one I couldn’t trick into thinking I was doing fine even though I was breaking apart on the inside. They didn’t change the fact I was feeling dead inside, they just made this whole thing bearable. It needed nothing more than their presence to make me feel I can handle this emptiness eating me from inside.

Auf dem Weg, mich selbst verloren.

Ich weiß nicht was es ist. Wo auf dem Weg habe ich mein Selbstbewusstsein, dass ich mir die letzten Monate so hart erarbeitet habe, verloren? So sehr versuche ich dieses innerliche Gefühl von Sicherheit zurück zu erlangen, doch leider vergeblich. Seit Wochen, nein – Monaten, weiß ich nicht mehr wie es sich anfühlt ausgeschlafen zu sein. Ständig verschiebe ich wichtigere Dinge wie schlafen, essen und Sport in den Hintergrund. Dinge die essentiell sind um zu überleben. Ja okay, Sport vielleicht nicht so – aber in meiner Welt spielt der eine enorm große Rolle. Nur dadurch schaffe ich es, alles im Gleichgewicht zu behalten.

Seit Monaten habe ich verlernt wie man richtig isst und schläft. Viel wichtiger empfinde ich derzeit einfach, mich abzulenken. Ich gehe regelrecht meinen Verpflichtungen aus dem Weg. Wieso? Ich weiß es nicht. Irgendetwas in mir erlaubt mir nicht, mich auszuruhen. Vielleicht weil mir mein Unterbewusstsein einreden will, dass ich dann wieder zu viel Zeit zum Nachdenken habe? Kann gut sein. Ständig suche ich nach Ablenkungsmöglichkeiten. Es sind die kleinsten und unwichtigsten Ereignisse, die mir den Schlaf rauben. Vielleicht habe ich auch unbewusst Angst, innere Ruhe zu finden und in meinem Trotz zu baden. Tief in mir drinnen weiß ich jedoch, dass alles was ich brauche, ein Tag ist, an dem ich mich von der Außenwelt abschotte und einfach nur auf mich selbst konzentriere. Mal sehen wie lange es noch dauert, bis mich der Drang überkommt, endlich die Augen zu öffnen um den Weg zurück zu mir wieder zu finden.

doubt.

Let’s dive right into my soul. Shall we?
Doubt walks hand in hand with Hesitation. At least in my little world. Doubt is usually the the reason I hesitate before taking action. I not only doubt wether the outcome is worth putting in all the effort, no I even doubt my own existence from time to time. I literally doubt everything – and when I say everything I mean EVERYTHING.

It is not easy living in a fast-moving world. As soon as you have settled down and finally feel content in all aspects of your life, you are forced to move forward and catch up on everything that you have „missed“ due to taking one step at a time. In a society where everyone blindly moves forward, there is no time for emotions or deep conversations left anymore. The kind of communication that is now domineering is small talk. Sad, right? I never thought I will be experiencing this horrible era where everything is better left unsaid and the only form of communication taking place is online in the depths of the WWW.

Wie viele Chancen hat jemand verdient?

Wieviele Chancen hat ein Mensch verdient? Eine? Zwei, Drei? Sagt es mir. Ich gebe so vielen Menschen zu viele Chancen, einfach weil ich immer nur das Positive in ihnen sehe. Jedes Mal sage ich mir, „Komm wie oft willst du denn noch verletzt werden?“ – und wie oft gebe ich nach und gebe der Person trotzdem noch eine Chance? Ich bringe es einfach überhaupt nicht übers Herz jemanden aus meinem Leben zu streichen. Alleine „aus dem Leben streichen“ klingt so hart. Genau so aber auch „einfach gehen zu lassen“. Gibt es denn nicht eine etwas sanftere Art, das zu formulieren um es mir zu zu erleichtern?

Es gibt doch einen Grund wieso diese Person es in mein Leben geschafft hat und einen Teil des Weges mit mir gegangen ist, oder? Es hängen so viele Erinnerungen an einer Person. Erinnerungen die ich niemals, unter keinen Umständen, vergessen will. Doch dadurch, dass ich das Negative in einem Menschen ignoriere, behindere ich mich selbst daran, diese Person zu vergessen. Es ist nicht so einfach wie ich mir selbst immer einrede. Am Schwersten ist es immer noch jemanden gehen zu lassen, dem man über die Jahre hinweg einfach alles anvertraut hat.

Unsinn.

Emotional zerreißt es mich gerade. So viele Gedanken schweben in meinem Kopf herum. So viele unbeantwortete Fragen. Klar, ich könnte mich auf den Weg machen um meine Antworten zu finden. Will ich es? Ja. Trau ich mich es? Nein. Wäre ich erleichtert, wüsste ich den Grund wieso alles so ist, wie es jetzt ist? Vielleicht. Könnte ich mit den Konsequenzen leben die dadurch entstehen? Höchstwahrscheinlich nicht. Deshalb schweige ich vor mich hin und hoffe, dass ein Wunder geschieht und sich alles von selbst klärt. Einstweilen hüpfe ich von einer Party zur Nächsten und lege meine ganze Hoffnung in den Abend, dass am nächsten Morgen alles gut sein wird.

Ich setzte alles daran, einfach hinzunehmen wie die Situation gerade ist. Morgen wache ich bestimmt wieder auf, lese diesen Text hier und lache über den Unsinn der mich heute noch so belastet hat.